How to Fix My Relationship With Money

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Having a good relationship with money is a blessing. Having a bad one can create mental and physical stress that can stop you from living your dream life. You can learn how to repair your relationship with money. By first knowing how it began, you can then learn what you can do to fix it.

This covers some ways to tell what type of money relationship you have and ways to make sure it’s a positive one.

Contents

• Story: But money does grow on trees
• Question: What is your relationship with money?
• Exercise: What Does Money Mean To You
• Research: Free (Financial Literacy) Course at Penn State Campus
• Tactics: Action Plan

Growing up, I didn’t have a clue about money. I spent the majority of my childhood not thinking about it because it was rarely spoken about by my parents. And most definitely not by my dad. I was a daddy’s girl, so I never felt the need to ask money-related questions. Therefore, I never built a healthy relationship with it. I didn’t have a money mindset.

There was a defining incident that shaped my relationship with money. The moment I figured it out, that’s when I was able to work towards changing it.

But Money Does Grow On Trees

My dad used to call me Dr. Spock. I didn’t mind because I knew Star Trek was his favorite show. He wouldn’t dole out that kind of respect to just anyone. So, it made me feel special.

He began calling me that after realizing my penchant for saying, “That’s illogical.” I remember one incident like it was yesterday.

My mom said, “Money doesn’t grow on trees.” whenever I asked for money to buy comic books and magazines. One day I turned to her and said, “But that’s illogical. Paper is made from trees and money is made of paper. So money really does grow on trees, right dad?  And… logically I was sent to my room while my dad got a chuckle at my expense.

Although my life with my parents was filled with great memories, this particular type of communication created a negative relationship with money for me. No matter what the situation, I never wanted to ask for money—even when asking for a raise at my job.

There was always a sense of fear that I’d be putting someone else at a disadvantage. It created an inability for me to build personal wealth. I thought that by having money, I would be preventing someone else from having money. Because of that, I didn’t feel comfortable asking for more than what I already had.

When I started a consulting business, I didn’t make as much money as I should have. I was quick to give discounts if my client was struggling. And I often felt uncomfortable sending my invoice for fear of asking for more than they could give.

It took me years to figure out that I was living under that stifling energy. But I finally learned and accepted that I am just as deserving of wealth as anyone else.

When you realize that most people can recognize the value of your services, you’ll find that they would be grateful to compensate you accordingly. In that realization, you will find that the fear will begin to subside.

What is your Relationship With Money?

We all have relationships with money. But depending on how it was created and developed, it can either be good, neutral, or bad.

I had to think long and hard about this one. Was my relationship with money good, bad, or neutral? I needed to know this before I could put into place a plan to live my dreams.

I came to terms with the effects of my defining moment. That lead me to document and keep track of my feelings about my financial interactions. I kept a journal to write about the emotions that surfaced. To keep from falling back into that bad relationship, I followed the negative feelings I had written with ways to change them.

While I resonate more with the teachings of Dan Lok, author of “FU Money”, I learned a lot from that book, this quote from Robert Kiyosaki, the author of “Rich Dad, Poor Dad” is the reason I started keeping a WHAT—WHY—HOW journal.

I buy a notebook with a nice cover. This is my favorite type of notebook that I use for journaling. You can also get one from Michaels, or even Dollar Tree and just write. I write out statements that I feel are holding me back. Then I turn each into a series of questions. Once answered, those questions change the statement from a negative to a positive.

I went from saying, “I can’t afford that.” to saying, “How can I afford that.” Thank you, Robert. That little flip can make a big difference in how you communicate your money story.

What Does Money Mean To You?

How you feel about money creates your relationship with it.  How you feel about what it means to you keeps you in that relationship. You want the relationship to be good. So, ask yourself what money means to you. Write in your journal the answers to the following:

• How do I feel about money?
• What do I think about people with high incomes and lots of money?
• How do I feel about people with low incomes and little to no money?
• Money is…
• What would I do if I had a million dollars?
• What did my family teach me about money?

Now run those questions through my WHAT—WHY—HOW formula. I use it in most scenarios when I’m stuck.  It helps me find a way to get unstuck. Ask yourself these 3 questions and then answer them:

1. WHAT am I feeling? 
2. WHY do I feel that way? 
3. HOW can I change it to work in my favor?

Here is a scenario to help you visualize and understand.

| What do I think about people with high incomes and lots of money?

WHAT am I feeling?
I feel like these people had easier childhoods because they grew up with better experiences and more access to money. Either that or they did bad or unscrupulous things to get the money they have. Having money made those people evil. They don’t care about people who don’t have money, so I don’t care about them.

WHY do I feel that way?
My family didn’t have money when I was growing up and the man my mom worked for was terrible to her. When I got sick, he wouldn’t let her take time off to take care of me because she wouldn’t be there to run the shop. When I wasn’t better the next day, she took the day off to take me to the doctor. He took that out of her paycheck and told her she didn’t have to come in the next day either and she lost so much money. I felt guilty. Rich people are jerks.

HOW can I change it to work in my favor?
It seemed like that man only cared about his business but when I think about it, at least he didn’t fire my mom. And just because he might be a jerk, doesn’t mean all people with money are jerks. I think a nice boss would have let her have a personal day with pay but an evil boss would have fired her… and that didn’t happen so I guess he’s not evil.

While this is not my story, I know it could possibly be someone else’s.

The main question is, was the boss the only one at fault in this situation? No. The family suffered because of the 2 lost days. But the question is, how could that family have avoided suffering because of the 2 lost days of pay?

If they had an emergency or rainy-day fund, they may have been ok. So, the solution going forward would be to make sure you always have an emergency fund. That way if something like that happens, it won’t put you in a bad place.

As for the owner of the store, when he gave the mom a second day off, she saw it as him punishing her for taking that first day. But what if he was trying to help? What if he felt that she needed more time?

When you’re angry, sometimes you can only see one side of things and that side might not be the truth.

What if he wasn’t really rich? Maybe he just appeared to be rich to the family because he owned a business. We don’t know his situation. He could have been so far behind on his business taxes that he was having trouble making payroll.

Create a resolution on all ends so you can feel closure in every aspect of the situation. If you were the owner, how would you have handled the situation?

If I were in his place, how would I have responded to the situation? I would have offered the day with pay and filled her spot myself or with a family member or friend willing to help out as a favor.

You can change your initial feeling in this scenario by saying, “Just because someone is rich, doesn’t make them jerks, and when I accumulate the wealth I want; I’m going to represent the good wealthy people. I’ll make sure to think about how my actions may affect other people before I take them and I’ll make decisions that take into consideration the needs of others as well as my own.”

By creating new scenarios with more spirit-lifting reactions, you can reprogram your thinking and redesign your money story.

That scenario shows the person’s defining moment. The result was a feeling of guilt about money and resentment for those who have it. But in the end, the person took that negative view of the rich and turned it into a way to develop positive personal wealth habits.

I know many people can relate to this. I certainly can. Just like in the scenario above, rethinking the situation can help you to move past the negative side of this feeling. Writing about your conflicts in the WHAT—WHY—HOW journal is a great way to get to know and understand yourself.

In my opinion, having a journal like this is one of the best ways to understand your relationship with money.  The ones I have used most are The Decomposition Notebooks. The covers are cute and unique. You write down your money statements—then you turn them into money roadmaps.

Instead of saying, I don’t have money to buy those shoes, you would say, how can I earn or save up the money to buy those shoes? Find the best solution that won’t take you from your path or throw you off your budget.

Using this method to conquer your life questions will help you to get past your old relationship with money and create a healthier and more prosperous one.

Free (Financial Literacy) Course at Penn State Canvas

We deserve to have great things, but you can’t excel without being able to reach for that greatness with a fully extended hand. While you may know you should never allow others to block your path to success, sometimes you don’t realize that the person blocking you the most is you.

There’s an online educational series at Penn State Canvas about relationships with money that can help you to figure out where you stand on the money mindset spectrum.

Listen to their audio tracks and/or read the course chapter – What is my relationship with money?) to help you bring clarity to and develop ways to combat the negative aspects of it. This course gives an in-depth look into some of the psychological triggers that shape how we respond to money situations.

Triggers such as this are not uncommon causes of bad relationships with money. They may, shockingly enough, be the cause of bad relationships with people too.

Penn State also provides the full course module MoneyCounts: A Penn State Financial Literacy Series for free so you can delve more deeply into some of the tools of Financial Literacy. The full module includes information on the FICO score, car and home buying and ownership, and other financial lessons.

I highly recommend it because the more you know about money, the fewer problems you will have in achieving your money goals. This course will cost you nothing more than time. The audio tracks make it an even faster read.

Fixing Your Relationship with Money: Action Plan

Reconciling Your Defining Moment
Your relationship with money may have started in your past but you don’t have to carry it with you into your present or your future. Know that your past does not define you, nor does it dictate your future. It may only put a few dents in your present.

Motivational podcasts, videos, and books can help, but if you find yourself overwhelmed by going it alone, Lucky B has a wonderful Sacred Money Archetypes Quiz that can help you define your money mentality. I’m not surprised that I fell under the ‘Nurturer’ archetype. Relax and Expand has free meditate with me sessions. I attend their monthly Woman’s Healing Circles which are just masterful. During one of the sessions I attended, she touched on a few instances of self-sabotage and misdirected goals that I hadn’t even noticed I was experiencing. I was able to include that in my journaling. Definitely worth checking out. 

But if you find that even this is not enough, the best thing to do in that case is to seek professional help. The psychological depth of your blockage may be much deeper than a few positive affirmations can reach. The most important task is getting the help you need to get past the blockage so you can start building on your future.

Reconciling my defining moment set me on the path to fixing my flawed money mentality.

Accepting your present, moving on from the past, and creating a plan for your future, is the key to fixing some of the results of those psychological money relationship triggers.

Giving Your Money A Job
Write down how you would feel if you were financially independent and didn’t have to work if you didn’t want to. What would your life look like? How would you spend each day if you didn’t have to work for money?

This is the job you will hire your money to do. Let money work for you. It will, once given the proper training and direction, eliminate all debt, provide support to prevent new debt, and create an income stream that you can live on.

This can be accomplished through financial vehicles such as investments, compound interest, and dividends. It will allow you to be free to do what you want as opposed to what you feel you must do. This will put you in a place of power and control over fear and desperation.

Whatever fears or negative emotions you once associated with money, can now be turned towards letting money be responsible for creating the life of your dreams. But just like any other worker, you must set your money up to succeed. It can’t do that if it’s overworked and underpaid.

Pairing Down
Clutter can create more chaos in an already chaotic situation. If you want to take control of your finances, create a space where you can have peace of mind and a clear head. Toss things you have not seen, touched, or gained value from in years. If they no longer serve a purpose, put them on eBay or Craig’s List.

You can also give back unto the earth by donating to Goodwill, The Salvation Army, or various brick-and-mortar or online thrift stores. Sometimes helping others makes you feel good enough to change your path and start moving further away from your old money mentality and into a mental state of success. Truly successful people always give back.

Keeping Track
Just like with children, you want to know where your money is going, what it’s doing, and how it’s handling the tasks you’ve given it.

You can get your free credit report at the Annual Credit Report site once a year (every 365 days). There is no charge or credit card needed. By federal law, you are allowed to get a free credit report yearly from all 3 credit bureaus, Equifax, Experian, and TransUnion.

This is the only official site directed by federal law to offer free credit reports. I can’t confirm that it’s the only site that offers free credit reports, but I can confirm that I have never had to pay for my credit reports when using this site. There are upsells for credit scores but you can get that from Mint for free and some credit card companies also offer free credit or FICO Scores with active accounts. So, just get the free credit reports and you’re good.

Diligently check your credit. Look for errors or negative marks and take the steps to correct them. You will see the changes in your FICO Score once you start keeping track of, paying attention to, and acting on what’s happening with your money and your money history.

Check credit cards, loans, and deposit account statements for your monthly transactions. Create a budget based on an average of what you spend monthly and set goals. I recommend Mint or Dave Ramsey’s Every Dollar.  I use both—leaning more towards Mint for its full spectrum financial coverage. But I hear that Personal Capital is a good option as well. I can’t vouch for it because I have not used it.

Always do your own research. What’s good for me, may not work best for you. Go with the one that doesn’t have you tearing your hair out trying to figure out how to use it.

Zero in on what you are spending and whether the charges are for needs or wants. If they are needs, make sure you’re allocating enough money to keep them stable. If they are wants, decide if you can do without them on occasion, temporarily until you have your money house in order, or permanently because they are just dead weight.

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You can take a deep breath now. You are well on your way to building or rebuilding your relationship with money. The more you can tap into your ‘WHY’, the easier it will be to make positive and productive changes and take that relationship to the next level.

Once you begin putting these tips into place, you won’t have time to think about your past relationship with money. You will have already begun building a new one.

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